Lost Dreams

I've finally found some words for the overwhelming grief that sneaks up on me and knocks me down lately: lost dreams. I thought I understood my grief over my daughter's death, but grief still has new tricks to play.

Missing Katie, the presence of her absence, that part never changes. She seems so real to me, she could walk right in the door and the last 4 and a half years would just fall away. Since this nightmare became my reality, I've had to learn to live with her death...the presence of her absence.

I've struggled to find connections with Katie, through my memories and my dreams. It's not the way I want her, but it's what I've got. There are still five people in our family, I still have a daughter, my sons still have a sister. She should be here, but she's not.

She will never graduate from college or have a family. There are no more exuberant phone calls from her. Family photos have become impossible because we can never really be a family without her. She will never play her clarinet or the piano again. She should be here.