conjuring her

I try to work the magic, and have her with me. Life without her doesn't feel possible, but trying to bring her with me in new ways is so hard. I so love those that remember her. Her friend at college, Christina, recently set up an account in her memory, to loan money to girls at Wellesley. Just typing the place of her death brings a blow that I must absorb, that's the way it is. It wasn't just the place she chose to end her life, but the place she chose to live her college life. Pain is. But love is too. I wish I could hang windchimes in the tree the girls planted there in her memory. Christina sent me a picture of it from last winter, and I was stunned, the love of her lives on. I want to see it with leaves some day, but I'm so afraid of taking that trip, and coming back without her. I could only come back for you, Gabe and Jason, know that.