my birdbath

This is my first mosaic project, and it was a very symbolic process! I have been known to smash a few plates on the patio since Katie's death, and have even gone to thrift stores to buy 5 and 10 cent china because it smashes so satisfyingly. But I've never intentionally smashed things in order to create something, that was a whole new experience. It was serendipitous to find plates for a quarter with colored tulips on them, and the little blue bird was also an amazing find. And I smashed many more dishes on the floor with a hammer than I used! Heavy coffee mugs are only a dime at Sally's (Salvation Army), and smashing them with a hammer is a release.

Chasing a rainbow into upper Bidwell Park

I had planned to go for a short hike yesterday in upper Bidwell Park, but then it started raining, and I felt disappointed. Later in the afternoon I took a drive up there just to be somewhere pretty, even if it was raining. But the sun came out behind me and a rainbow appeared over the foothills as I turned toward the park. Driving up into the canyon, I got closer and closer to the rainbow, until I could see the nearby foothills through the lense of it's colors... and I smiled, a real grin from inside, at the candy-colored trees and grass. As I turned into the Monkey Rock parking lot, the rainbow disappeared. But straight ahead of me a flock of American Goldfinches burst from a tree, their bright yellow breasts making me smile some again in wonder. Driving further in, I saw a tree full of fat, round Robins and flashes of blue jays and the brightly colored heads of Acorn Woodpeckers. A single hawk circled near the south rim, and as I drove out of the park, I was delighted to stop in the road for several flocks of Golden-Crowned Sparrows pecking in the gravel. A good day after all, even without a hike.

Blazing Circle

For the past couple of days when I close my eyes to rest or go to sleep, I see a blazing circle, almost like an eclipse, except there is a piece of it missing, and I find myself willing the ends to touch, for it to be whole. That yearning for completeness takes so much concentration that I become aware of the image, wondering what it is and finally what it means. I can even tell you what part of the circle is missing, a piece of the lower right arc. I have no idea how often my brain does things like this, I just know that I became aware of it. Maybe I just have to learn to love the circle as it is, and to tolerate the tension of wanting it to be whole when it can't.

Valentine's Day Memory

I'm so glad I sent Katie flowers for Valentine's Day in 2004. It wasn't a tradition for me to send her flowers, just a fun impulse to brighten her day. I called a little flower shop near her college called KaBloom, and ordered a mix of different colored tulips and roses to be sent to her dorm. I remember when she called me and told me that her room-mate Christina had excitedly come looking for her to tell her she had flowers at the counter downstairs. When she went down to check she was astonished that there were TWO vases of flowers for her. She called me all worried that I would be charged twice, and I told her don't worry, you're worth it, and laughed!

Besides, I said, I have a good job now and I can afford it! She said something about what if they keep coming? I cracked up and said you mean like the broomstick in the Sorcerer's Apprentice, but instead of buckets of water you'll get vases of flowers? I told her that maybe they made a mistake and sent the order twice, or perhaps because I had ordered roses and tulips, they wouldn't all fit in one one vase.

I reminded her that now that she had vases she could buy flowers for herself whenever she wanted to. The Saturday before Katie died, she and Christina stopped in KaBloom (which Katie just loved the name of!) and Katie bought a bunch of tulips, a deep red I think. Christina laughed at the way Katie kept changing her mind about which bunch of tulips to buy. Christina tried to get me to take the tulips with me after Katie died, but I was so overwhelmed. She tried to press them, but it didn't work out.

I wondered at myself later, what had possessed me, who had never had a florist send flowers to anyone, to send those multi-colored tulips and roses to Katie? Part of it was that I was in my second year of teaching, with a steady salary, and could afford a $50 extravagance like flowers. And certainly I had bought flowers for people before at the grocery store or the farmer's market. But I'm so glad I sent Katie flowers on Valentine's Day. I had no idea it would be her last one. I'm so glad I have this memory.

And when she died, it was like in the Sorcerer's Apprentice; the flowers just kept coming...but she wasn't there to enjoy them.