a void so huge that I can't contain it
yearning and loss and always missing, missing
I want to transform it
into something beautiful
so that instead of being painfully consumed,
I will gaze into it and drink deeply
my woundedness becoming a view
I can live beside
Saturday, August 1, 2009
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I don't think I've ever written about how moved I have been in exploring the pages of your blog, and imagining you daughter and sons and husband/father. Your sweetesst gift to me in being with the one year and 11th month anniversary of the crossing of my wife - January 21, 2008, has been MaMuse. I listen to them daily to give me courage, love, and openness. I am a student of Rudolf Steiner - who comes out of the tradition of Theosophy - and sees your daughter simply "on the other side of the veil," and with whom you can communicate and grow, though she isn't in a physical body and can't "change things" the way we, the incarnated can - with our physica bodies and a physical reality in which we live. Anyway thanks. A friend and I have a private blog to my wife De borah and her mother. I will ask her if you can have permission to visit - it may be supportive for you! In "losing" my phyisical partner, I am now the single physical parent of two angelic daughters - 12 and 14. And older sons who have left the nest - 28 and 33. About a year before Deborah was diagnosed with breast cancer that had metaztacized to her spine, I was hospitalized for a number of weeks after my splenic artery (the artery that connects the spleen to the aorta) "burst," and from the initial emergency surgery, an airlift to a hospital with and ICU, and numerous trips back and forth to ICU, with low expectations that I would survive, Deborah camped out at the hospitl for the first week on her own - then got my brother to fly in and help her, so she could take some nights off - sleep with the girls - and get some rest. She was a warrior, and literally saved my life several times by stepping in and insisting that doctors and/or nurse DO Something Different - because I was losing my life forces. So I feel sad I wasn't able to help her survive her cancer, and I've also been to death's door - and I think it has helped in taking more fear away from "Death." According to indications of Rudolf Steiner, when your daughter "so-called-died" in the physical world, she was at the same time "born" into the spiritual world, until she will next choose to incarnate. There is a book, called "Staying Connected" edited by Christopher Bamford: 'Staying Connected: How to Continue Your Relationships with Those Who have Died," by Rudolf Steiner, edited and with introduction by Christopher Bamford. You can order through Rudolf Steiner Press online, or through Amazon, though I prefer to give the money to the Steiner group, even though they are "less efficient" than Amazon. You are in my thoughts, held in my heart, you have moved me with the gift of your story, interspersed with music and poety that has been so incredibly helpful! Blessings to you!!!
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