my brown eyed girl

Dear Katie,
It's been five long years since I held you in my arms, but I'm holding you in my heart forever.
Love Always,
Mom

Katie's swan

Five years ago today, my daughter sent me these pictures. We had a joyful, happy conversation. Five days later, she would die. The dissonance is unbearable.

Katie called me on a Wednesday afternoon and said "Mom, there's this big white bird and I don't know what it is! I ran back to my dorm and got my camera and found some batteries for it, and when I got back, it was still there! What is it?"

I laughed and told her I'd have to get off the phone to look at the pictures, as we had a dial up connection. Her email was labeled: big white bird! And the three pictures above were labeled: big bird, duck thing, and goose or swan or something. I called her back and told her it was a swan.

She said "Oh wow, I've never seen a swan before!" I said yes you have, don't you remember the swans in the pond in front of the castle at Disneyland? And she said, "Oh mom, that place is so surreal, I would have never thought those were real birds!"

The email was dated Wednesday, April 14, 2004 at 2:31.

the Y stick at the top of Phantom Falls

The Y stick actually has a happy origin. My niece Carrie picked it up on our hike to Bald Rock and took a picture of it. She said she teased a friend at the beach with a Y shaped stick, following her around and asking "Why? Why?" to everything she said:)

I thought it was a funny story, and suggested that we put the stick in the backpack and snap it's picture at various spots that we hike to. Just like the little gnome that Amelie had her friend travel with and photograph in the movie. I had no plans to send it to anyone, just thought it would be a fun private joke to share, something silly to laugh about. And it will be. But just now I'm pausing for the sorrowful whys, the ones that tear your heart out and shred it.

Why did these baby birds have to die? The ones I had foolishly set my heart on. Not every egg hatches, but these ones did. Why did the wind have to blow so hard so soon after they hatched, making it difficult for the parents to simultaneously feed them and keep them warm? Why couldn't I intervene in just the right way to save them?

Why did my daughter die? Why didn't I know something was wrong with my child? Why didn't God let me know that something was wrong so I could try to help her? Why does anyone's child have to die? Why? Why?

loss touches loss

Today I took my camera to school to watch the birds even though it's Spring Break. I went and looked out the window, and no mama bird on the nest. I waited, and could see the tiny forms of the baby birds, but no movement. After sitting quietly awhile I walked outside and unlocked the gate and went to look closely at the nest. They were cuddled up next to each other and still. I'm so tired of the universe right now.

3 eggs hatched!!!

the first egg hatched!!!!

mama goldfinch shows off her eggs

Waiting and watching, as today is the twelfth day since the clutch of eggs was complete...any moment now, we should have hatchlings! We wrote haiku about our lesser goldfinch experience, and the kids dubbed them 'birdku' in honor of the book Dogku by Andrew Clements. Such fun!

One of the things I forgot to write about last week was how several of the students talked about the 'bird viewing platform' in our classroom being like going to the zoo or the aquarium (after all, the window is glass!). I pointed out to them that the difference was that we were the ones in the cage, not the birds, and they thought that was funny! I suppose it's like having our own magic school bus trip right in our portable...we could be the magic school portable!

I did find out through a little internet research that the reason these birds are called Lesser Goldfinches is that they are the smallest finches, not because they are less beautiful than any other birds!