sunset after five years

So when I walked out the front door on Tuesday evening, April 21, 2009, I was awed by the pink clouds in the east against the brilliant blue sky. I still remember the first time I saw Maxfield Parish's work, I thought he'd added some imaginary color to his skies. But over the years I've been treated to skies that amaze me with more vivid colors than any I grew up with in the Bay Area. Now when I see such beautiful things, I often think of Katie and feel that she is experiencing them with me. She is a constant presence in our family now, able to be both in Chico and Chicago in our hearts and minds.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004, sometime after 7 pm. I had taught all day then commuted back home and fell onto the bed to relax, when I heard the phone ring in the kitchen. Mark answered it, and came into the bedroom and handed it too me, saying "It's Wellesley and they want to know where Katie is." In that moment, the resposibility for finding my daughter and taking care of her became mine. We drove to the San Francisco airport, and I ran through the terminal to board the plane, flying all night to Boston. A couple on the plane gave me a ride to Wellesley, but within minutes of my arrival, her body was found.

I would never be able to help her or take care of her... or when she got well give her back the responsibility for her own life. So now, five years later, I still hold the burden of that responsibility, and I'm trying to figure out how to put it down. I don't have the answers, I just know I'm weary. And I'm searching for a way to free myself from responsibilities that no longer have any meaning beyond guilt. I can't help her, I can't save her, her life is over, so why am I still carrying this around?