Her death destroyed the cell walls that held me;
that phospholipid bilayer was gone,
anything could travel through me or out.
Vulnerable and skinless, I wanted
to climb into a shell and disappear.
Eventually I realized I'd lost
my center, becoming the emptiness
I'd searched for: dry husk of what was, dead shell
on the earth below, a spiral chamber
of memories holding stardust of her.
that phospholipid bilayer was gone,
anything could travel through me or out.
Vulnerable and skinless, I wanted
to climb into a shell and disappear.
Eventually I realized I'd lost
my center, becoming the emptiness
I'd searched for: dry husk of what was, dead shell
on the earth below, a spiral chamber
of memories holding stardust of her.
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This is incredibly poignant and captures a very specific feeling. I wish I didn't understand or remember the feeling. But, it truly was /is part of what life is. The trick is not staying in that place. It took me a very long time.
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