waking mosaic of thoughts

Holding the World Together
holding the world, together

“It’s 1 o’clock, it’s 1 o’clock mom,”
he sounds alarmed, and I try
to wake-up immediately, reaching
through the haze of sleep, finding
only my own confusion. “I
don’t know what that means,”
I call back, over and over,
but there’s no response. Answers
desperately searched for, yet
seldom found. The pieces
to the puzzle are like snowflakes,
four years old, their unique clues
to the whole long ago melted,
soaking us with a lifetime of tears
before disappearing. Leaving me
with a longing so profound that everything else
is in danger of being obliterated.
A life full of smashed dreams whose pieces
I struggle to put back together.

I look at the orangutan in the corner holding
a single piece. Quickly he pops it into his mouth
and stares back at me. Panic, frustration, and
exhaustion melt into despair. I stare
at all the brokenness and understand
that it will never be what it once was. There are
no adequate answers to this riddle no matter
how I struggle with it. I can’t solve
the equation of why you chose to die
so I sob and give up. The paper isn’t blank,
I’ve scratched and scrambled through
every possibility, but there is no peace.
I pick up a few pieces and begin arranging
them in a pleasing way. They don’t fit,
but I’m trying something new; building
myself from brokenness I shape
a new life, bit by bit.
mosaic

Lisa Palmer
January 1, 2009